My heart is aching today. Just aching to hold my babies close, to feel their warmth and breath. I’m so lucky to have the privilege of watching my eldest grow, watching him learn and become a wonderful, kind, imaginative young person. To hear his wisdom as he learns and his nativity as he questions the world from his child perspective. But I yearn, beyond the imaginable, to be able to do the same for my babies. For Elliot, for Caius, taken from me by life’s cruel reality. A failing, somewhere in the miricle of the creation of life; a mistake that can never be undone. The cost was a life left completely unfulfilled, a tiny being unable to flourish.
It pains me to know that I should have a 3 year old and a 2 year old, that my house should be even more chaotic than it is. During school hours there is silence when there should be noise. I miss them so much, and I haven’t allowed myself to do so, for so so long. I yearn to see their faces, what would they look like now? Would they have the same complexion as their brother, or would they be pale like me, starting to get freckles? Would they have be bold and sociable, or shy like their father. Who would they each have been?
Years on, and there are still so many unanswered questions, and my heart aches, forever. Elliot. Caius. Always ❤️